


Die A Little

by 48eyesand32teeth1sharptongue



Category: Supernatural
Genre: 2019 reuploads, ABANDONED probably, Dead Dove: Do Not Eat, Escaping Abuse Themes, I want to write Cas as a Dad, M/M, Sam Winchester Centric, Sam is a Dad, Trans Sam Winchester, but i can never write him well, dean critical
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-21
Updated: 2020-06-21
Packaged: 2021-03-04 00:47:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 477
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24834835
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/48eyesand32teeth1sharptongue/pseuds/48eyesand32teeth1sharptongue
Summary: Sam leaves with Castiel after Gadreel, but still adopts Jack when he gets born.Fic title a song by Yungblud.
Relationships: Castiel/Sam Winchester
Comments: 8
Kudos: 44





	Die A Little

**Author's Note:**

> another reupload
> 
> old notes:
> 
> So I don't have the energy to write the whole setup for this fic, but basically Cas and Sam went and lived together post S11 and Dean just... got worse (dunno if the Mark has been dealt with in this or not, it's irrelevant for this oneshot). (Basically all the good things canon tried to retcon by not going into the massively unexamined consent issues and Sam just... going along with things after a while didn't happen in this one and Sam is certainly not allowing most of what happened in canon to happen to Jack in this one, b/c tbh if the writer's actually cared about Sam having supportive relationships and an arc and Cas and Sam as a unit they'd let Sam take Jack and be like... Dean your behavior is not acceptable towards me or Jack or Cas and I can't keep enabling you.) But the show is never going to do that and immediately goes back to the status quo... so have this!!!!!
> 
> But the core of the show is Dean and Sam, even if I am pissed at how the show writes Dean so much and I'm just... taking that to extremes.

Sam remembers reading that it takes two years to really start to feel like the past is behind you.

He'd read about it, after leaving for Stanford. Going through every book, trying to figure out what was wrong with him, before Jess sat him down and filled in the blanks and gave him a reading list and references for why he wasn't a bad person for wanting to leave if he was unhappy. That people who want you to suffer for their sake don't love you in a way that supports you, but supports what you do for them.

Sam supposes it's really the first time he's had a chance to breathe. He hasn't had a year away from Dean that wasn't wracked with guilt or pain or failure for... so, so long.

And while he still feels betrayed... He knows he couldn't control Dean, now. That trying and failing to gain his approval, over and over, wasn't something he needed to worry about any more.

He loves his brother.

He can still love his brother and not excuse his actions.

He can still love someone else and stop them from trying to force him to live on their terms.

Sam will not be violated, will not be steamrolled, will not be keeping the peace if it means anyone- himself, a stranger, Jack, Cas- has to suffer impossible standards and cruel words and things meant to make them feel like they're the monster Sam always feared Dean thought he was, deep down, even if they never talked about it since the Apocalypse and the Cage.

And for once... For once...

Sam feels free.

He doesn't feel like he needs his brother to keep a hold on reality. (That was a hard thing to unlearn, but necessary, after Gadreel. Sam couldn't trust Dean then, couldn't extend that trust farther, and as much as he'd want to save and protect his brother, you can't protect people from themselves. Not when they'd do it again. Not when they think nothing was wrong. Not when they'd excuse the action and Sam would be left picking up all the pieces and shoving it down.)

Sam doesn't feel Lucifer breathing down his neck, even if he's still out there. Still a threat on the horizon.

He has Castiel. And he is going to keep Jack safe, by letting him see he can be who he wants.

And if Sam is going to take that step... He needed to prove it to himself.

That he could escape, and it could mean something.

Sam used to think love was something you suffered for. That you endured, because who else would? That he could make the sacrifice.

But now he knows love doesn't ask for sacrifice. It just loves you back, without any terms or conditions or anything else that could be seen as another disappointment.


End file.
